- Spend any holiday alone watching the Bridget Jones movies back-to-back while wearing your college logo sweats and eating the equivalent of your body weight in Ben & Jerry’s.
- Ask the creepy guy from work/church/the gym to escort you to the next wedding you’re attending. You’re not that desperate.
- Be the only grown woman in the crowd for the bouquet toss at said wedding. Look around you. If all the other girls look like they still go to recess every weekday, spare your dignity and walk away.
- Tell your blind date how bad your PMS symptoms have been lately.
- Strangle the restaurant hostess who responds to your “Table for one” with “Awwww…. All by yourself?”
- Eat an entire Whitman’s sampler on Singles’ Awareness… umm, Valentine’s Day. You have higher standards. Go with Godiva.
- Adopt multiple cats. You’ll be known as The Cat Lady, and all the kids on your street will fear you. On Halloween they’ll dare one another to ring your doorbell, and those brave enough to do it will become legends in the neighborhood. This is not how you want to shape the next generation.
- Wear a cubic zirconia solitaire you bought in the costume jewelry section at Target, then go to bridal shops and bakeries to try on gowns and taste cake samples, “just to see.”
- List “dancing the Macarena” as one of your favorite hobbies on your eHarmony profile.
- Like a real-life Sally from Peanuts, bombard the guy you’re interested in with baked goods, Facebook messages, and sappy texts. “Ur my soulm8” is not a good idea. This will make you the creepy girl at work/church/the gym, and all you’ll see of him is his back as he sprints in the opposite direction.
- I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. –Psalm 86:12 1 week ago
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